Close-knit Community

 A Close-Knit Community — whether a village, a scattering of country farms, a city neighborhood — is a place where people know their neighbors and look after them. - tvtropes.org 

As a Filipino, it’s in our culture to celebrate most events with not just family, but friends and neighbors, as well. In my whole life, I have never spent a birthday without celebrating it with, at the very least, my family. I think it’s a natural thing for us to think that birthdays are spent with family and, not just with friends. Not only that, for as long as I can remember, it’s been a long-standing tradition to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Eve together with other members of the family.

When we were still living in the Philippines, our family lived in the same barangay (Filipino term for village) until we immigrated to the US. So, naturally, I came to know who’s who; from the people who have been living there before I was born, to new people moving in.

Just mention your last name and people will know who you parents and grandparents are. If they don't know who they are, then they most certainly know at least your aunt, uncle or cousin. Most people, probably, even know where your house is. So, depending on the situation, it can be a good thing or a bad thing.

In my case, a community that knew me and my family was mostly a good thing. There was this one time, when I was around 4 or 5 years old, I got lost in a traditional market. I went with my dad and got lost after leaving a stall selling toys. Minutes after I got separated from my dad, one of his friends, living in the street next to ours, found me and brought me home in an instant. Whenever my dad tells the story to my cousins, now, he always mentions how thankful he is that his friend found me right then. It's one of the reasons why I'm all for a tight-knit community. People show care and interest in your well-being, looking after you as if you were their own.

Photo taken after playing outside with some neighborhood kids, along with my sister and cousins, when I was 12

Another common scene during my childhood was the memory of me playing outside from morning to night with the from my street, and the kids from the next street over. We played with variety of things. From playing with cards to playing with jumping ropes made of rubber bands to dodge ball, we played together outside despite the scorching weather, until sundown. 

Photo taken with my sister, cousins and neighbors after the summer basketball league I helped  to organize and facilitate

Today, from what I observe, kids don’t really play outside with other kids as much. They are either inside the house watching TV shows or surfing the internet. My little cousins behave this way, and my heart always aches for them. They’re missing a lot of things. They should be out and about making memories with other people, but instead, they stay inside their houses, playing with things that can never replace the existence of a real life friend.

Maybe it’s just me who feels this way, or maybe it’s just the cities we have lived in so far, but I feel like there is some disconnectedness between neighbors here in the America. As I’ve mentioned in my other blog post before, in the span of 4-5 years, our family has moved to different cities over 4 times already. And, in all the places we’ve lived so far, we always had to be wary in everything we do because the neighbors, whose name or face we don’t even remember, might complain.

Perhaps, this disconnectedness is a part of the current American culture. It can be due to the individualistic nature being emphasize in the culture. Or, it can be that people just don’t have the luxury to let it happen because their lifestyle inhibits it. However, despite that I wish and hope that people will be more open to connecting with their neighbors, just like how we are in the Philippines. Not only does it improve your social network and skills, but it also gives you the opportunity to create valuable memories that you won’t be able to find anywhere else.

However, if we want to see change, we can't just wait and hope for something to happen. So, in order link neighbors to each other, we have to take things in our hands and start reaching out to them. In my case, I will try hard to connect with our neighbors by greeting them regularly, and inviting them over whenever we have hold celebration parties. I hope that by the time my birthday comes next year, we are able to connect and communicate better, just like how it was in my neighborhood in the Philippines.

First World Problems

After moving to the US, and I started attending college, I feel like I’ve started complaining about the simplest stuff increasingly. Let me list some stuff I find myself complaining a lot about:

•     RUWireless, and other ways to access the internet
•     Rutgers Bus System
•     Weather
•     Take-out options at Nielson Dining Hall
•     Recent windows 10 updates
•     Inconvenience of not having your own car, etc.

Those are some of the stuff I complain about daily. They are just minor stuff, and shouldn't be really a bother to me, but they are. For example, during this past winter break, we had an electricity outage for about 10 minutes. And no electricity means no Wi-Fi. So, I got very annoyed because of it. That 10 minutes of electricity outage is nothing compared to the electric and water outage I’ve experienced when I was still living in the Philippines. In the Philippines, outages usually last for about 8-10 hours on average. So, I shouldn’t have been pissed. I should have been okay with it. Situations like that always get me thinking about how spoiled I have become since we emigrated here. I, often, get so used to the having things that I forget how other people don’t even have the means to access the same type of resource.

Watch the video below, created by Ryan Higa (nigahiga), and see what other kinds of First World Problems are out there: 

How old were you when you got your first phone? I got mine after my fourteenth birthday during my 3^rd year in high school in the Philippines. It was a second-hand slide phone from my aunt. Though it was just a 2G phone, I was still happy and satisfied with it, because it had a music player. That's what mattered to me, the phone having capability to store tons of songs and play them. Before having that phone, I didn’t own any other devices or gadgets. Sure, I was able to use my parents’ phone, but that was only until it was absolutely necessary for me to use.

How about your first PC or laptop? When did you get it? Following the mobile phone, my sister and I got a laptop, as a present, from my uncle who lived in the US. It was given in hopes of encouraging us to study better and harder. Too bad I pretty much used it to watch anime and K-pop videos. Anyway, though I had to share the laptop with my sister, I didn't care. I was just glad that I didn't have to leave the house to do research or to just browse and watch videos on the internet.

The student in the middle of the group with the laptop is me. And the laptop I mentioned above was the one we were using to watch some Korean shows. ☻

I guess, what I’m trying to get to is that, I am slowing losing the value of appreciation. And, as a society, I think that is also where our direction, in terms of appreciating commodities, is heading. We are less likely to appreciate things now because they are more convenient, easy to access and, also, so easy to dispose. If I may dare to say, I think we a lot of take things for granted. 

Every day, we are surrounded by things that are supposed to make our lives interesting, fun and comfortable. If those things, whether be it a transportation, a device, food or whatever it is that we use in our daily lives, disrupts our plans or lifestyles, even just for a little bit, we complain. If things don’t meet our expectations, we complain. But, just like the message of the quote from The Great Gatsby below, before we complain we should first think about how lucky we are to even have those privileges in the first place.

Why I’ll probably never pay for another standing GA ticket again

If you've read my post last week about obsession, then you'll probably know that the long awaited, super-expensive and ultra-hype BTS concert that I said I was going to attend to occurred last Friday. The concert was awesome! I stood outside of Prudential center waiting in the GA line for about 5 minutes, and got a very awesome spot. Like, I could literally reach the stage. And, people were very polite and well-mannered. That day was so perfect! Paying $250 for the concert ticket was worth it! 

God, how I wish that was all true. It felt like any other day, except for that day was perfect. The only redeeming quality of attending that concert was that I was finally able to see BTS perform live. Anytime, except the two-and-a-half-hour concert duration, were pretty much dreadful.

Since I had a GA ticket, I knew I had to come early to queue in line if I wanted a good view of the stage. I woke up at four-thirty in the morning, and left my dorm at 7am And then, I took the train and arrived at Newark Penn Station by 8:30am. I swear, it was unnecessarily cold that day. With wind blowing at the speed of 12 mph, and the sun hiding behind the thick nimbus clouds, the temperature dropped to the early 30's that day. It was the worst condition you can have when queuing up for a Kpop concert line. And, as you can see in the video below, people even camped out overnight outside of Prudential Center just so they can stand closer to the stage.

Video by Prudential Center

On top of the cold weather, waiting outside for too long got me all tired and upset. I had to wait in line for 5 hours to get my wrist band. And, it was only after then that I could leave the line to find something else to do. Together with a friend, I bought food and some merchandises, and ultimately, decided to queue up in line. AGAIN. An hour-and-a-half passed, and they finally opened the entrance doors. However, it wasn’t really until after another hour, at 6:30pm, did I enter in the arena. After entering the arena, and I could get a good spot. I had a very clear view of the stage, so I thought waiting in line was worth it.

However, my satisfaction and relief about my standing location only lasted for about 10 minutes. Unfortunately, other fans started entering the GA section. And, they started pushing their way to a spot closer to the stage. Not caring about the people who they push, and hit. It's rather unfortunate that they forgot to bring manners and common etiquette. Everybody's concert experience would probably have been better, if they did.

Going a bit off topic here. I just wanted to share a unique experience I had during the concert. Whenever, I sang along people around me would stare. I know that the first few instances were because I could sing all the Korean lyrics very well. However, as the concert proceeded, I had a hunch that the blatant staring was due to my overzealousness. But, I chose to ignore them since the concert, by nature, gave me the free reign to sing and cheer as loud as I can.

After the concert, I experienced the delayed feelings of embarrassment and shame. I reviewed all the files I recorded during the concert. And, law and behold, the blatant stares I got during event were definitely because of my hideous voice. Even as I listen to those recordings by myself, I couldn't help but hide my face in embarrassment. I was practically shouting the entire time, that my throat ended up hurting so much. My voice cracked so much that I couldn't even sing a single line without going off pitch. It was terrible. 

You can listen to how terrible my voice was during the concert at the video below:

Nonetheless, by the end of the concert, I realized that buying a standing GA ticket was not how it was cut out to be. I swear, next time, I will only buy seated concert tickets. It took me practically the whole weekend to recuperate and make up for all the fatigue and tiredness I acquired from having to stand for over 12 hours. And, when one recuperates, we usually end up not doing the things we need to do, such as doing homework or projects. So, for the next concert, the ticket I will be buying will definitely be a seated one.

The double-edged swords

Growing up in the Philippines, it really isn’t that surprising that I have developed quite an interest into Kpop and Korean TV shows. For as long as I can remember, local channels there have been broadcasting a lot of dubbed Korean dramas and movies. However, it wasn't until I came to high school that I started gaining interest in Kpop and Kshows, and, that was about 7 years ago. Up to this day, I still find every little thing about Kpop and Kshows enticing.

So, what aspect of Korean music and shows got me hooked?

Adolescence + talented people + great music + heartfelt lyrics = hooked into KPOP

The equation says it all. For the sake of keeping this blog post with 700 words, I'll just talk about one Kpop group to illustrate my obsession. Currently, I am very much in love with the KPOP group, BTS. They create a lot of amazing songs with relatable and inspring messages that appeals to the audience quite well. 

BTS from 2 years ago during one of their dance practice

One of the BTS songs I really like is titled, "Nevermind". BTS member, Suga, raps about his personal struggles about being concerned of others. He is telling the audience, that, whatever you do in your life, you don’t have to care about the things other people are saying. Just focus on doing what you love. And, even if you fail, it’s okay. This song actually resonated to me a lot, and it made me reflect on myself. It , to some extent, gave me the courage to express who I really am.

Anything done in excess has its downsides. So, what are some of the downsides of having an obsession into Kpop and Kshows?

Concert tickets and merchandise + albums (digital and online) + college student = broke

Kpop albums and merchandise I collected in the last 3 years ☺

Unlike my freshman year in college where I worked two jobs during each school year and had the luxury to buy whatever merchandise I wanted, I don’t have the same luxury. I only work one job, now, which only lets me earn enough money to comfortably sustain my daily necessities here in college. So, going with that logic, I certainly shouldn’t be buying a $250 BTS concert ticket, but I did. To be honest, for a college student, that amount is a very big burden. So, I had to take some money out of my savings to purchase the ticket. It created a big dent in my budget and expense list. When I think about it, I know that it's such a waste to spend a large sum of money in one go, especially, since it took me forever to save them. It really is a pity, but I don't I'll ever regret buying that concert ticket one bit.

Watching Korean TV shows (drama and variety shows) + listening to Kpop = time not spent studying or doing homework

Truth to be told, whether I have classes, exams, homework, and other school related stuff that I must prepare and study for, it’s still a usual thing for me to watch a two-hour video related to any Kpop or Kshows throughout the day. I tend to procrastinate a lot, and watching Kshows or listening to Kpop makes it worse. It affects my concentration and motivation to study a lot. I mean, I still do all my responsibilities on time, but I probably would be better off if I didn't wait until the last minute to work on them. I have plans to go to graduate school, so I should be studying for the GREs, but instead of doing that, I often end up being too engrossed in watching TV shows that I become too unproductive and often end up procrastinating.

Happiness > No $ + Procrastination

Maybe you’re wondering why, even though I recognized that there are problems in obsessing over Kpop and Kdramas, I still don’t make much effort to steer them away from my lifestyle. This has been a concern to my parents, for a while now, and should be mine as well, but, the amount of happiness I get from listening to Kpop songs or watching Korean TV shows far outweigh the burden of the problems I get from obsessing over them. I don’t know if I’ll still be this obsessed over it in the future. But for now, since they give me the opportunity to unwind, I want enjoy them as much as I can. The BTS concert I was talking about earlier is actually scheduled this coming Friday. I bought the official concert light stick and even made a poster written in Korean. Kpop concerts are not really held that often in the US, so for once, I wanted to have whole fan girl experience.

How to Save a Life

When we talk about crisis, we are talking about a person’s risk of suicide. Did you know that suicide, as of 2014, is the 2^nd leading cause of death among ages 10-24? And even with the outrageously high number of deaths by suicide among youths, our community is still not discussing the matter enough. That's why I want to talk about the issue of suicide today. Just like the song How to save a life by The Fray, I hope this post can be of help to those who want to reach out and help someone in a crisis, but do not know what to do.

(Listen to The Fray's How to save a life in the video below)

Sometime last semester, as I was sitting in my dorm room, studying for an exam, I got a sudden phone call from my mom. I answered the call, and the first time I heard her say something I knew something was wrong. She sounded a bit distressed. She asked if I knew this family friend we had from the Philippines, and I said yes. A few minutes later, she then proceeded telling me that he passed away from suicide, a couple of hours prior.

Naturally, the news induced a stress response from me. Death will always be a distressing matter. Death by suicide, on the other hand, induces not only feelings of sadness, but also feelings of frustration. Like all of the previous incidence of suicide I've heard and known, that family friend’s death was also preventable. And, it kind of baffles me that a lot of people don't get that idea. 

By the end of this blog post, I am not saying everyone should go about diagnosing and treating mental health conditions. That’s a job for professional psychologists and psychiatrists. However, after reading this piece, I do hope that you will be able to at least detect some warning signs, and reach out to someone in need of a hand and ear. 

Be on the lookout for the warning signs. Warning signs are noticeable signs indicating that a person may be at impending risk of attempting suicide. Warning signs can be mood and behavioral changes.

Source: American Association of Suicidology

What are the things you can do if someone you know is in crisis?

• Ask them directly. If you think someone is at risk of suicide, asking them if they are having suicidal ideation and thoughts is the best way to make sure if they are suicidal. 

Source: American Association of Suicidology

• Take their words seriously. If someone you know has indicated that they want to take their life, never assume that it is a joke.

When talking to someone who is at risk, avoid doing the following:

• Minimizing their feelings. Those of us who've never experienced major depression literally cannot imagine what it feels like. Do not tell them to get over it!
• Trying to convince them that living life is worth it. Those conversations can be done when the person has passed the stage of crisis.
• Advice to fix the issue. If someone is in crisis, what they need is not some who will give them an advice, but someone who will hear them. Lend them your ear, and don’t be judgmental!

BE SENSITIVE and TRUST YOUR GUT. If you are concerned about someone, always assume that you are the only one who is going to reach out. A lot of people end up not reaching out for the fear of being wrong and embarrassed that the person they reached out to wasn’t really experiencing a crisis. But, you know what? Being embarrassed is a whole lot better than not verifying if someone was having suicidal thoughts.

Please remember, the problem won’t go away by itself. It is very important that people who are experiencing a crisis need to receive professional treatment immediately. As a community, we must work together and be proactive in connecting them to the right resources. This will help prevent the occurrence of suicide, saving someone's life. Please reach out to the university's counseling center, or any local psychiatric service provider, if necessary. If you'd like to read more about crisis and how to respond as a bystander, please visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, or the Mental Health First Aid USA.

At RU: Discovering who I want to be

Since freshman year, I’ve lived in the same residence hall in one of the Douglass Residential Housing. It was a residence hosting students from the STEM field. One of the requirements in staying in the program was meeting with a resident graduate mentor a couple of times per semester.

Last semester, I met up with my graduate mentor to get some advice. So, I went to her room to talk. I really can't remember much how her room looked like, but I do remember the three different colored yoga mats she laid out on the floor. We sat there and talked. She asked me what was up and I told her about my worries. I told her I applied for a research assistant position in one of the psychology labs on campus. I told her I was called in as one of the three people selected for an interview, and that I was at lost on what to do. She smiled and congratulated me, telling me that that was a great opportunity for experience. She then gave me advises on what to do during the interview. At the end of the meeting, she asked me to keep her posted and I did.

Several weeks after the meeting, I got in touch with my mentor and told her I wasn’t selected for the research assistant position. I was fine, rationalizing that to making it to the interview portion was already a great feat, and that maybe there was something even better for me that will come along. And there was better position that came a long. But then, the outcome completely mirrored that of the first one. And for the first time ever, I’ve felt a sense of incompetency in me. On top of it all, I also had to face the idea that being a doctor might be out of the picture for me. To put it simply in words, I was devastated.

Image from reddit.com

Before attending Rutgers, my original career goal was to be a psychiatrist. Yes, like most students, I thought about shifting my major several amounts of times. I considered Biology, Exercise Science, Chemistry, and a couple more majors. But, ultimately, no matter which major I thought of back then, I knew I was going to use it to attend medical school for psychiatry after. It wasn’t until after last school year that I realize that medical school wasn’t probably for me. I had the aspiration to be a doctor years before entering college. It wasn’t until after I took the required chemistry courses that I knew medicine was not meant for me. It took me a while to get used to that idea. Because, essentially, by changing career plans, I was admitting that there were some points I was still lacking.

For only a little while did the the sorrow last. I had to move on with my life. So, I started thinking deeply about my options. After meeting with advisers and mentors, I discovered a similar career pathway to psychiatry. Not all hope was lost. I still had an option. I can still work on a clinical setting.

Watch the video below to get to know more about how you can overcome challenges in a positive way.

Sitting in one of the psychology lab rooms, I discussed the other career option with my graduate mentor. She asked if I've ever considered getting a doctoral degree in psychology, instead. I said no. I didn’t know how the program worked, or what it even was, so I never gave it a thought. She said it’s a lot like psychiatry, but the training will be more focused on research and practice. I won't be able to prescribe medications to any patient, but I was completely fine with that. As long as I could work with people, helping them deal and find solutions to their problems, it was all great.

So, after that encounter, I made changes to my activities accordingly. I talked to professors and graduate school advisers about the psychology doctoral program. I also took a couple of certification trainings to enhance my knowledge and experience about the field of psychology. And to my joy, with all the efforts I gave, my abilities were acknowledged. I was selected as a peer mental health educator on campus.

Overall, Rutgers and Douglass Residential College (DRC), both, nurture and facilitate my growth as an individual. Both communities witnessed and provided aide in my maturation as a person, and as a professional in the field of psychology. The rejections and hardships I faced in these places, gave me the chance to get to know more about myself, my interests and passion. Opportunities and resources offered by these places helped me unravel the me of today. And, I quite like the me who exists today.

See the video below to have a better understanding why it is important for us to know and understand ourselves

Sneak Peek at a University Psychologist’s Day

Annmarie Wacha-Montes
Photo from the CAPS website

I first met Annmarie Wacha-Montes during my two-and-a-half-day Peer Mental Health Educator Training this past winter break. During that period, I got to know some of her work background. She introduced herself as a licensed clinical psychologist, and as the assistant director for the community-based services in Counseling, ADAP, and Psychiatric Services (CAPS). Together with Francesca Maresca, the director of the Health Outcomes, Promotions, and Education (HOPE), they trained us to be mental health educators. 

As Annmarie presented some information about one of the workshops offered in the program, a sound blared from her bag. Someone was trying to reach her by phone. After checking who the phone call was from, she excused herself and had Francesca took over the presentation. After the phone call, she stepped back into the room and informed us that she had to leave. There was a crisis on campus she needed to attend to. She left in a hurry, and didn’t return until a couple of hours later, looking a bit disheveled compared when she left. It was obvious that what she responded to was quite a stressful situation for her, as well.

As someone who aspires to become a clinical and community psychologist, I sat in the conference room wondering if a situation like that occurred in Annmarie's daily work life. I got curious, wondering how her typical day looked like. So, after exchanging loads of e-mails to coordinate our schedules, I was fortunate enough to get an interview with her today.

Interview Highlights

On describing her current occupational roles  

I offer individual and group therapy. I offer consultation for faculty and staff when they are concern about a student. In addition, I also provide assessments. So, if someone is interested in getting connected to our services, I get to know who they are and what’s been going on, how long has it been going on, and we, together, put our heads to create an action plan. And sometimes. I will recommend the students to XYZ, depending on what is helpful for them. I, also, attends group & staff meetings here at the counseling center. 

As an Assistant Director for community-based services, whenever we get an outreach request, or workshops, presentation, or training on campus, then, they get filtered through me. And, I identify whom within our staff would be the best to fulfill that need. I, also, provide evening on-calls, which I am on-rotation with the other staff members. I help with any critical incidents on campus. If there’s a large event, then I help provide response, prevention for those people impacted. I do some research. And I’m involved with some large-scale projects within the university.

This was definitely my reaction when Annmarie described her roles and responsibilities. After telling her that, she told me that she might still have missed a couple tasks she was entitled to do.

On what lead her to pursue a career in the field of Psychology and which life events contributed to her professional identity today

I was always really interested in helping… I knew that mental health existed, and I felt like it was important to provide support for people’s overall health and wellness… 

When I was in a graduate school, I worked at an eating disorder clinic. I worked from four to twelve, at night. And I noticed a lot of the women, who had experience trauma, previous trauma, were really struggling, late at night, with symptoms of PTSD. That was really important.  That really played an important role for me, because I thought, “Wow! This is just people coming in for eating issues, and there is such an history of trauma there”. It was really important for me to kind of figure out what was the best approach to help people who’ve been through trauma in their lives… That was a pretty big shift for me. 

Also, in college, I volunteered to work at a jail. One of the things I was hearing from the inmates was ‘how to make decisions and ambivalent they are about making changes in their lives and how hard it was’. So, I thought, “Wow! How do you help people change their behaviors?” Like, that is so hard. If you think about any of the basic things we have to do in our lives, people are ambivalent about changing. But, if I could gain skills to figure out how I can help someone change... So, I purposely chose to go to the graduate school I had to learn about motivational interviewing. And, that was a specific skill that has been really helpful for me.

See the video below to see how training as a psychologist or a therapist help other people.

On her typical work day

It varies. It could be a few… It could be rounding a group. Doing one or two evaluations or in-take appointments with students, and identify what their needs are, and what would be my recommendation. I will, also, be doing individual therapy. I could be reaching out to different associations, like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, to see what different campaigns we can consider on our campus.

On her attitude about her work

I knew that I didn’t want to only do one thing. I know I didn’t want to just only do individual therapy for the whole day. I knew I wanted something that was pretty eclectic, and so, I definitely feel like I have that here (at CAPS). And that what’s make me really happy, being here, that I get to do a lot and work with a lot of people. And that’s been really fun.

On how she handles all her workload and responsibilities

I know it is important that I take care of myself. So, I do a lot of family time. And, I do yoga, kind of unwinding and allowing myself to take a break. Otherwise, you know, I wouldn’t be practicing what I preach.

On her advice to undergraduates, in general

It’s really important to think about what you like doing. Know what are your strengths, your weaknesses or the areas you don’t love as much or get frustrated with, and then try your best to match that with a profession and, as well, as a setting. Talking about what your concerns are about the career, or about the job, to people in and out of the field, and especially to your families and those around you are important. The more you expose yourself to the endless possibilities of what’s out there, career-wise, then people (in general) won’t feel so like stuck doing one thing that don’t fit their personality and outlooks in life.

Overall, I’m glad that I did this interview with Annmarie. As we wrap up the interview, I asked Annmarie if she had any last comments she wanted to say, and she said she did. She said, “I think this (psychologist) is a great profession. And I’m happy with what I do”. That statement warmed my heart. I will never forget the image of how Annmarie’s face lit up as she talked about her daily work activities. She definitely is having a wonderful time despite all the workload and time constraint. I want to experience that kind of happiness while I work as a psychologist in the future, as well. I aspire to be a psychologist like her.